“We have finally come up with a proven formula to get rid of Christians.”
So says Professor Schwarfegnugen, head of the Cultural Residual Atheists’ Program. Schwarfegnugen says he has been harassed on a weekly basis by Christians proclaiming they care, “and I’m sick of them sucking up my time!” he says—so much so that the professor has come up with an ingenious formula which has managed to fob off the most devoted of the flock.
“The first thing you need to know is that Christians will try anything, so you need to be aware of their tactics.” He goes on to highlight one of the sneaky attempts he has seen many times over the years. “They specialize in giving you food and coffee when you are down.”
“While this may sound innocuous,” says the professor, “they are actually deliberate moves that these people use to change the subject to Jesus. It really wouldn’t be so bad if they actually cared about more you than proclaiming their beliefs at every opportunity. The food is to dull your senses; the coffee is to lull you into staying for a conversation; and the dinner . . . oh.my.god, the dinner is an ambush by obsessed counterparts who are dying to practice the arguments against atheism they learned off the Internet.”
Schwarfegnugen has warned his members to take heed. Below is a section of his preventative list:
• Ask for money (repeatedly) after letting them know about your chronic addictions.
• Say you are a raging homosexual and flirt a little.
• Tell them about your pedophilic past.
If none of these work, the professor says to just pretend to get “saved” and they will probably disappear forever.
When asked how his life is today, Schwarfegnugen says he finally has time to worship his mind again, although he does miss the free coffee.